I’m at work after having 5 days off and I miss you guys. I sucked today. I was tired and going through the motions a little. I was engaged and aware of my surroundings but I was side tracked because I missed you guys.

Z you are on spring break and I feel bad cuz it’s still Covid and things are opening up but we aren’t doing anything crazy this year but I promise you we will. We’ve gone to the parks to play and for you to meet new friends but it’s hard. I wanna hold you and play with you but you have so much energy that I can’t keep up. It makes me sad you know cuz I just wanna hold you tight and not let go but I have no choice as I want you to be an very strong and independent. As your daddy I don’t want you to cry at school or not make friends and I know you will cry and learn some lessons along the way but I also know that I as your daddy have to let you go so you can fly and spread your wings the way that Grandpa Miguel did with me.

Gigi, you are so beautiful and our greatest blessing. I love you so much but you are so attached to your mama it’s not even funny. I do get jealous but I also am happy that mommy gets to have you so close since you are her best friend. Right now you are sleeping through the night, crawling and talking a lot I personally hear you say mama mama dada dada at a high pitch but you’re just speaking in baby talk so I don’t know what to think or do. You love to eat and to go for walks, your little walker saves you so much from everything cuz you run into everything.

Anyways I feel like I’m just rambling on but I love and miss you guys.

BTW Z I talked to you about grandpa Miguel and you made me want to cry. You know that he lives in Stockton that he would give you tight hugs and that he is daddy’s father. Ugh when you told me that I about cried to myself but I stayed strong. I love you my papa bear.

Love you forever and ever,

Daddy

Z you broke my heart in a good way the last few days. The first was when we were doing our nightly prayers. You by yourself said I wanna pray for my papa Miguel that he gets better. I cried but held it together. I couldn’t believe that you remembered and he was on your mind, I am sure he was with you at this time. My dad loved you Z and he’s now our special guardian angel. Today I told you that I’m going back to work. I’ve worked 3-4 times this month and I’ve been home with you so obviously we got used to being with one another and I’m sad that I’m gonna be gone too but you want toys and I gotta provide for you. You cried a little but telling me that you were gonna miss me and of course it hurt my heart but I know you know and understand that Daddy has to work.

Gigi,

You keep eating and growing so much. You are my baby girl and I love you so much. When I wake up in the middle of the night o would be mad like damn this sucks but I see you smile and that big ol head and I am instantly happy and forget.

I gotta go and check the laundry now but I love you both. Gabby you are needy too and of course I am gonna miss you and our breakfast talks but with 2021 right around the corner I hope that it’s a better year and we continue to be blessed with everything that we have especially our health and whatever it is that follows. I love you mi familia Gaitan

Love you,

Daddy

Hi Z,

You seen me cry right after I got the news that my Daddy went to Heaven. I was shocked sad and broken-hearted. Z you seen daddy at his weakest because he didn’t want to lose his best friend. I am your best friend and you are mine but Daddy loves his Daddy and lost his best friend of 35 years. The emotional support I’m getting from Mommy, Gigi and you has helped me but it’s hard when you love someone so much. My Dad Z was my rock and my go to. He was my guy, I could tell him anything and I loved being with him even if it meant we chill on the sofa and watch the news or a movie.

Z my tears are of joy and some sadness. I/ we had a lot of plans to do a lot of things with you two (Gigi) and now we won’t have that opportunity but we will include Megan and Miguelito cuz that’s your blood and I want them to see you grow up because that’s what my daddy would want.

This evening we were dancing listening to music we FaceTimed the family and we were spot celebrating the life of my Dad and the music he liked. I got a nice little buzz but your mommy got turnt. She’s crying for me because she knows daddy is hurt but I catch myself laughing as soon as I get down I think and laugh about what he would be saying or doing right now. Papa was a funny man and a loving man.

Okay Z I’m gonna check on mommy. You and Gigi are knocked out. I gotta get to sleep since Gigi will be waking up around 4am or 6am hopefully later so I can sleep in. I hope your grandpa comes to me in my dreams and tucks me in like when I was little like you. I love you Z and Gigi forever and ever my babies!

Love you,

Daddy

Dad,

You fought your hardest to and you fought till the end but your body did what it could. I know you made it right on time for dinner with Grandma and I’m okay with that. I’m sad Dad, I’m hurting and I feel like shit. I want you to be here because you are the reason and the strength behind all of your kids. Yes we love our moms but we all knew who to talk to when we had a critical decision or tough decision to make. Dad you were there for me when Gabby had Z and prepared me for might have happened and I specifically remember saying no this motherfucker is going to make it and he did.

Dad I had a shot today and a beer for you. I cried like a baby and I’ve been crying the last 12 days but I had faith that you were gonna make it. I know you gave it your all and I’m just thankful that you tried to make it. You fought hard dad and I know we’re all handling it different. Lola is okay and so is Meg. I haven’t been able to talk to Miguelito but I’m gonna try and reach out. He’s the baby of the 4 of us.

Dad I don’t have the words or the energy to be honest to write you more cuz I’m so tired mentally and emotionally. It’s been a roller coaster and I hope when I go to sleep tonight I dream about you and doing whatever it is that we would do together. You waited a week till your birthday to go. We celebrated your birthday with a big carna asada and I felt like you were there.

Today we went to church and we prayed and Father Freddy was there and he said he’s gonna pray for you for the next 3 weeks. We’re gonna pray too and I prayed that if this was your day/time then to let you go peacefully and be with Grandma. You called yourself el gato and like always I believed you were gonna make it and you had 9 lives. I think the time ran out but it’s all good. Life is good and you say that all the time. Life is good. I spoil my kids like how you spoil us and I’ll keep all of the things that you got Z and Gigi and the things that you got me. I have my jacket and beanie that I will wear as it will be like getting a big hug from you and you keeping me warm. Dad I miss you there’s no doubt about that but I’m thankful that I had you for almost 36 years it’s 2 weeks away from Christmas and then 2 weeks after that it’s my birthday so I of course will have a hard time but I will do what you always want and that’s work and provide for the family.

Dad right now it’s raining and almost 5 hours since you left us. I’m gonna go to bed now and hope that the rain and your voice tells me that you are okay and with grandma. I have high expectations that you will take care of me and be our guardian Angel. Say hi to grandma and grandpa, Grandpa Santos, Luna and everyone else with you. I know you are probably laughing and have a bottle of tequila with you saying let’s party!! I’ve been listening to Tone Lok and Biggie. They remind me of you. Dad please make sure that we’re all okay and that you take care of us and look after us. I miss you and love you over. Over and out! Rest in Power Big Boi

Gabby,

It hasn’t been easy but you’ve done everything you can to try and make me feel better and I hope I can repay you for that when I am 100%. I’m going to bed and I hope I can be better tomorrow and the next coming days. I’m heartbroken 😔 I love you baby.

Z and Gigi your papa is sick right now due to Covid. Daddy is sad but Daddy believes that his papa is gonna be okay and make it out. I don’t have time to be sad or sleep because mommy and you two. Mommy has been helping me and y’all two are too little to see or recognize that daddy has been sad. I’ve been trying to be positive and stay busy cuz if I’m not battling Z I’m making a bottle or changing a diaper.

I love you two and I know your papa Miguel does too. This obviously has been the hardest week of my life but the unconditional love you two have for me is what keeps me going.

The thing that I’ve learned from this is that my dad is my hero and I hope I can have a relationship with you two that y’all will look at me as yalls hero too. My dad is a special man and one that lights up a room with his laughter and smiles and bottles of tequila.

Dad I love you and so do your other kids and your grandkids. Lolie and I told you that we loved you. Megan and Miguelito are staying strong over so keep fighting!! I love you with all my heart over!

Love you Z and Gigi,

Daddy

Z and Gigi your papa is sick right now due to Covid. Daddy is sad but Daddy believes that his papa is gonna be okay and make it out. I don’t have time to be sad or sleep because mommy and you two. Mommy has been helping me and y’all two are too little to see or recognize that daddy has been sad. I’ve been trying to be positive and stay busy cuz if I’m not battling Z I’m making a bottle or changing a diaper.

I love you two and I know your papa Miguel does too. This obviously has been the hardest week of my life but the unconditional love you two have for me is what keeps me going.

The thing that I’ve learned from this is that my dad is my hero and I hope I can have a relationship with you two that y’all will look at me as yalls hero too. My dad is a special man and one that lights up a room with his laughter and smiles and bottles of tequila.

Dad I love you and so do your other kids and your grandkids. Lolie and I told you that we loved you. Megan and Miguelito are staying strong over so keep fighting!! I love you with all my heart over!

Love you Z and Gigi,

Daddy

Hi Z,

You are the best. I am hard on you and sometimes I feel bad because you just want to have fun and play and I’m busy or tired taking care of your sister. We do play and we do have fun but I’m sorry for being impatient with you at times. I am trying harder to be a better daddy and have more patience. You never do anything bad either you just have a ton of energy and it’s crazy!!! School is still at home and you are doing okay, you are lazy lol but you’re really smart and just wanna play and have fun which is why I love you. Your speech has improved like crazy too!! We gotta work on your walking though. Overall Z you are making us very proud and we love you super so much.

Gigi,

You are 5 months and weigh about 15 pounds. You are talking and teething like crazy right now. You yell when you wanna sleep, you yell when you don’t want us to sit down and you yell when you want a bottle.

Hi Z and Gigi,

It’s a Friday and I am home. Mommy is working in the office with Z since he has school right now. Gigi your in our room asleep in your bed. I need to make the bed and get started with my day as time flies and you have us on the go 24/7.

I’m writing y’all cuz there’s a lot of messed up shit going on in the world and I’m lucky mommy is lucky that we have our jobs and time to be with you both during this pandemic. I’m thankful everyday for our lives we live but it ain’t easy.

Gigi you finally got to meet your grandmother and it was so nice. Your grandma is a little rough around the edges but she’s full of love. Grandma didn’t know how to hold you or feed you and it made me laugh. You put on a show you were yelling smiling and I think you even pooped for grandma. Z was of course himself and jumping up and down.

Right now everything is going well. We got your baby pictures and should be getting them soon. Our days go by fast the time is changing and we are taking everything day by day. There were fires that lasted a few weeks and we’re still getting over the smoke as Z and I have asthma so it messed with us.

I often think about Z and how crazy and innocent he is. Z you just got an 80$ toy which is fine and it’s crazy cuz I know I would have never asked for that but you, you have no problem asking for stuff. You are doing good in school and walking on your heels and it’s amazing. Anyways Z I’m not making any sense cuz I gotta do my chores but Z I love you please be the best big brother that you already are to Gigi and being the best son that mommy and daddy could have ever asked for.

We love you both to the moon and back!

Love you,

Daddy

Hi Z and Gigi,

Z this is so funny and I laughed out loud when I found out. Today I bought a bag of candy and I gave you a pack of M&M’s and you for some reason came downstairs and when you went back upstairs your mom ate them and you said “son of a /;&?!” which had mama shook and of course me happy and proud that you talk like me but at the same time like damn this dude catches it all. For going to speech and school and class today you had the energy to argue with mama over candy.

Gigi you are teething and it’s crazy how much you are eating and just smiling all over the place. You are so strong and a blessing to all of us. You are also spoiled AF you are in are arms 24/7 and cry when we put you down. You are officially wearing 3-6 month clothing and are extremely long. You weigh 12 pounds and some change.

Okay we’re gonna finish watching a movie and drinking our wine. We love you both! Go lakers!

Love you,

Daddy

Hi Z,

Today was a special day and one that made me tear up. One of the things that I remembered was learning how to ride a bike when I was young. I had a red BMX bike. Today we took off the training wheels and you did it! You rode the bike without training wheels and I was so proud. Probably one of the best dad moments I’ve ever had.

Z you have come such a long ways! You are eating more and more!! Trying new foods and just being the best at everything.

Right now you are doing a breathing treatment and I got Gigi in my arms but man what a day!

Love you papa! I will write you again soon! Mommy’s birthday is tomorrow and we have to get her things!

Love you papa and thanks for making me a proud daddy today!

Love you,

Daddy